私は、九州の田舎で生まれました。
1995年の2月、兄2人を持つ3男として。
その後妹が生まれ、私は4人兄妹の3番目となりました。
私の同世代には日本を代表するスーパースターの大谷翔平がいます。
10年前は羽生結弦世代ともいわれていたりします。
そんな世代。
4人兄妹の3番目ということもあって、昔から家では肩身が狭かったです。
両親は女の子が欲しかったこともあり、結果として4人の子供を生むことになったが、その割を一番食ったのが私。
世話に関しては基本後回し、両親から特別何かを買ってもらったという記憶もなく、服やおもちゃは全て兄からのお下がりでした。
大切にされているという実感を得ることのないまま、基本放置で。
求めても与えられない、期待しても望んだ結果が得られない、そういった経験を何度も繰り返し、私は両親に何も期待しなくなりました。
家にいるときは疎外感、なんとなく入りきれてない感じがありました。
食事中も基本喋るのは私以外の3人で、私は1人黙々と目の前の料理を口に入れることに集中していました。
そして、それに誰も気づかないくらいの存在感。
いてもいなくてもいい存在。
振り返ってみると、そういった経験を積み重ねたことが、今の自分の人格に大いに影響しているのだと思います。
人に積極的に絡みにいけなかったり、なんとなく遠慮してしまう。
集団の中にいて誰にも相手にされず、孤立していて、それに慣れている。
でも心の底では、それを苦しいと感じていて、人との関りをどこか期待してしまう。
孤独でいいと強がりながら、孤独は嫌だと頭を抱える。
こんな人間にさせられるくらいなら、生まれてこないほうが良かったかもしれません。
両親との関係性は薄く、家族で出かけた以外の思い出はあまりないですが、兄弟（妹は除く）の仲はめちゃくちゃ悪いというほどでも無かったように思います。
おもちゃは基本兄達と共有していたので、1人で遊ぶということはなく、兄弟間で使いまわしながら遊んでいました。
ゲーム機も、1台を代わる代わる使ってました。
幼いころは3人で1つの部屋を使っており、同じ部屋で勉強させられていました。
そういう環境だったので、兄弟喧嘩も多かったです。
ただ、私は3人の中では一番下なので、喧嘩しても勝つことはありませんでした。
喧嘩して勝てないことは分かっていましたが、とはいえおとなしく引き下がるのも嫌だったので、頑固になっていたと思います。
よくケンカをしたなあという思い出はあるのですが、それでも仲はそんなに悪くなかったです。
遊戯王、デュエルマスターズ、スマブラ、カービィのエアライドなどは一緒によくやっていました。
不快な思い出ではないという感覚はあるので、それなりに楽しくやっていたのでしょう。
きっと。
記憶はあいまい。
逆に、妹とは一緒に遊んだという記憶がほとんどないです。
もっと言うなら、もう長いこと会話をした記憶もない。
両親からの扱いが、私と妹であまりに違いすぎて、兄妹だという認識が持てなかったのかもしれません。
私は兄2人と常に一緒にいて、家で妹と2人だけになることはなかったし、妹と話す事柄もタイミングもほとんどなかった。
妹と同じ空間にいるときは、他の家族も基本居たので、妹と2人で何かを話すということは原理的にあり得なかったです。
今でも、妹とは家族という感覚が全くなく、連絡先も知らず、どこで何をやっているのかすら知りません。
遠い親戚のような感じ。
家族であると、頭では理解してるんですけどね。
今では皆疎遠になってしまいましたが、少なくとも一緒に暮らしていたころは上手くやっていたと思います。
ただ、それでもやはり、この家族構成であったことが、私の人生における最大の悲劇であったし、私が今でも人と関わることを苦手にしている一番の原因だと考えています。
兄弟でよく遊べてよかったじゃないかという意見もあるかもしれませんが、成長して自分の家族の中での立ち位置を理解するようになると、なんとなく、他人の家庭に異物として混入したような感覚を持っていました。
家族というより、居候ですね。
本当に血がつながっているのか、疑わしいほどで。
両親からしたら、別に私を除いた3人兄妹で何も問題なかったし、今では私以外の3人で遊びに行くこともあるくらい仲良くやっているようです…（泣）。
もし人生で唯一両親に私の願いを聞き入れてもらえるのだとしたら、頼むからどうか自分だけは生まないでくれと土下座して、泣きながらお願いすると思います。
私がこの世に生まれてこないことが私の人生最大の願いです。
絶対にかなうことはないんですけども（大泣）。
家族の中の私の立ち位置は理解してもらえましたかね。
影が薄く、あまり大事にはされていなかったです。
私という異物を混入させてしまったこと、本当に申し訳なく思います。
ごめんなさい。
関係性はさておき、私から見たそれぞれの印象を語っていきます。
まず、父親。
僧侶であり、寺の住職。
特段厳しいということもなく、優しいかというとそうでもない。
たまに理不尽な時がある。
僧侶と聞くとよくイメージする、謹厳実直さはそこまでない。
ただ、教育には結構うるさかったです。
別にそれほど勉強ができるというわけではないけど、見た感じ自頭は良い方かも。
スキーが趣味で、兄妹ともどもよく連れていかれた記憶があります。
4人兄妹の誰にも定着しなかったけどね、ふふ。
次に母親。
多趣味で、いろんな芸事に興味があるようで。
絵をかいたり、歌を歌ったり、茶道や料理。語学、楽器など色々なことに取り組んでいます。
幼いころは勉強勉強とうるさかったけど、ある程度成長すると特に何も言われなくなりました。
ただ、ゲームを毛嫌いしてます。
私達がゲームをしていると、すぐ怒られていた記憶があるので。
ゲームをやたら毛嫌いしてた割に、じゃあ本人がすごく勉強ができたかというとそうでもなく、それなりに遊んでたっぽいです。
ゲームしてた私の方がずっと勉強してましたね。
そして、2人に対して言えることは、私という個人に真剣に向き合ってくれたことはほとんどなかったです。
過去一度だけ私と両親の3人で出かけたことがあります。
その際に両親が私を両側に挟んで手を握って街中を歩いている光景が強烈に印象に残っています。
当時の私は、幼いながらにそんなことはあり得ないと思っていたので、すごく変な感じでした。
残念ながら、嬉しいとは思いませんでした。
あったのは、違和感だけでした。
自分が大切にされていないのを理解していたんでしょう。
悲しいですね。
次に、長男。
家の後を継ぐということで、僧侶になりました。
すごくしっかりしてます、今は。
説教されたことも何度か。
喧嘩したことは数知れず。
遊び人で歴代の彼女は両手で数えきれないほどです。
イケメンのオーラがあります。
私は苦手なタイプですね。
今となっては、実家に帰ってもあまり話しません。
受験のときに会場まで送ってもらったり、大学で一人暮らしの部屋探しに付き合ってもらったり、いろいろと恩があるので、いつか返すつもりです。
そして、次男。
私が家族で一番仲がいいのが次男です。
まあよくいじられてましたね。
一番遊んだんじゃないですかね。
コミュニケーション能力が高く、絵にかいたようなエリートです。
一番稼いでます。
真面目ってわけでもなく、融通が利いて頭の回転が早いですね。
性格も良いです。
欠点はあまりないですね。
うちの両親も子供2人産んで満足しとけばなあ…はあ。
そして、妹。
ザ・陽キャですね。
コミュ力モンスターだと思ってます。
1人の優秀な人間を、賢さとそれ以外に分けて、賢さの部分だけを受け継いだのが私で、それ以外全てを受け継いだのが妹。
私にないものは全て妹が持っています。
頭と性格がそれほど良くないというのが欠点ですが。
同じ家で育ったとしても、育てられ方が違うとこんなにも変わるのかと興味深いです。
良く分からない外国人の友達がいたりとか、多国籍の人が集まるパーティに参加したりしてるそうで。
住む世界が違いすぎてもはや謎。
私から見たら、宇宙人も妹も同じくらい遠い存在です。
最後に自己紹介ということで。
まず、友達がほとんどいません。
唯一1人だけ大学時代の友人とつながりがあります。
高校までに知り合ったすべての人と、関わりがありません。
恋愛したことがありません。
なんなら、女性と話したこともほとんどないです。
人が苦手です。
実家では存在感がありませんでした。
辛うじて勉強がそれなりにできるので、なんとか人生やれてます。
もし私の頭が悪かったら、きっと引きこもりになるか自殺してるでしょうね。
もし、頭脳を妹に明け渡して消えるボタンがあれば、迷わず押します。
私なんて、誰にとっても「いなくてもいい存在」に過ぎないので…（泣）。
たまにテレビで大家族ものとか見てると、すごくモヤモヤするんですよね。
やっぱり集団があるとそこから孤立する人はどうしても出てきてしまうので。
皆上手くやれてるといいですが…。
どの家庭に生まれるかを選ぶことはできないので、もし自分に合わない家庭に生まれてしまったとしても、その家族と一生付き合っていかないといけない。
別に誰が悪いとかじゃなく、これは一種の呪いみたいなもの。
不可抗力、自然現象…自然災害かな。
幸せになろうとする、とある夫婦の生み出した渦、濁流にのまれて、抗うことすら許されず、彼らの子供として「人として生きなくてはならない」呪いを付与された、あわれな魂。
なんだかなあ…。
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